Life is Grace

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

Yesterday I did what was, I think, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life: I had to tell my mom that when she leaves the nursing home she will probably need to go into an assisted living facility rather than be able to return to the little apartment she loves so much. She took it well–no tears, hysterics, etc.,–but I know her so well that the look on her face (which I could tell she was trying to control, probably to keep from upsetting me) told me exactly how devastated she felt.

Tomorrow we have a “care conference” scheduled with her social worker, physical therapist, nurse practitioner, etc., to discuss her discharge planning. I’m hoping that maybe–a big maybe–she could stay in her apartment and just have more help come in on a daily basis, like home health care aides, that kind of thing, but I’m not sure she could manage even then. I just don’t know; everything’s up in the air right now. The bottom line is that her heart and lung problems are making it impossible for her to recover at the rate she (and I) were hoping.

So please know that if I seem out of touch or something that it’s not that you guys don’t matter to me anymore. I’m just so overwhelmed; my depression is kicking in and I’m so weepy I can’t seem to get anything done. I guess I’m saving up all of my energy so that I can be strong when I’m with my mom.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and everyday. Either God will shield you from suffering, or God will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations
–St Francis de Sales

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