Life is Grace

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

Once again, nature has confirmed that I’m not pregnant. Maybe we should buy stock in Kleenex, as I’m going through a couple of boxes a week these days. I know it’s not healthy to focus on the negative things, that I should be grateful for all of the blessings in my life, but I can’t stop crying today. Actually, just about every day I wind up in tears; there’s always something that reminds me of how empty my arms are.

With my 40th birthday right around the corner, I’m constantly fighting the panic rising in my throat and the voice in my head telling me that it’s too late for us. Right now we’re debating fertility testing. I’m not sure there’s much point, really, because we can’t afford any kind of assisted reproduction techniques. Our insurance doesn’t cover it and we can barely pay our medical bills as it is. Plus, I’m hesitant to try Clomid (should that be a viable option) because it could make my depression worse. We’d love to adopt, and are looking into it, but I don’t know how in hell we would pay for that, either.

I’m just so tired of dealing with infertility. First, after we got married, one of my doctors said I shouldn’t get pregnant because my antiseizure medication might be too dangerous for the baby. Then last summer we consulted a perinatologist, who thought that after some medication adjustments we could go ahead and try; I’d be a high-risk pregnancy, but we’d have a good shot at a healthy baby. Now I can’t even get pregnant. And one by one, my friends have been getting pregnant and having adorable, lovely babies.

It feels as though motherhood is happening for everyone around me, and I just want to scream “Why not me?!” Am I being punished for something? Am I just totally deficient as a woman? We are so lonely for a child of our own. I’m happy for my friends, I truly am. But why, God, can’t I have a baby too?

I apologize for the pity party, but I needed to vent.

7 thoughts on “empty arms syndrome

  1. No apologies necessary. I have found that even though I know we can’t have a baby, every time I get my period I still grieve.I’m sending good thoughts your way.

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  2. Kristie says:

    I’m sorry Barb. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don’t so I will just say that you are in my prayers.Thanks for checking in on my blog.

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  3. kristine says:

    Thanks for the visit…Like Kristie, I wish I had something to day. I can’t imagine what you are going through, so i won’t even try to say something and just sound like a blub.

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  4. liz says:

    Infertility is so difficult, and I’m so sorry you have to experience it. Big hugs to you…

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  5. LutherLiz says:

    I’m late here but know part of what you must be going through. I take hope in all of my friends who have fought through infertility to have kids and hope for that success with you as well. Hugs!

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  6. Barbara says:

    Thanks so much for the support, ladies, and please don’t ever worry about not knowing what to say. Believe me, just knowing you care is more important than all the words of wisdom in the world! and hugs are great, too.

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  7. Roxy says:

    Barb – I'm late here. I understand. Yes I have a beautiful little girl, but it took 26 cycles and some good drugs to get there. And according to some I am greedy for wanting another. Guess what, I love Eva and I love being a mom & going through infertility the second time is not any easier. but my heart breaks every time Mother Nature assures me "not this month" and the doctors give up – I feel like a crappy mom for not being able to give my baby a sibling. So hang in there, pray, and you never know what will happen. And if you are offered Clomid – skip it. the new tests show it doesn't really work on women over 35!!

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