Life is Grace

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

“I never knew grief felt so much like fear.”
–C.S. Lewis

Lewis was right on target: grief does feel like fear. The same breathless, sickening sensation of a sharp kick smack in the middle of the gut; the trembly, disoriented, foggy feeling in the brain; the same clenching, harsh pain around the heart.

All summer–strangely, ever since my headaches started easing up–I’ve been dreaming about my parents, especially my mom. The dreams always follow the same pattern. I’m reunited with either or both of my folks, only to have them die right in front of me. Almost every morning I wake up, crying, to face another day of fresh, raw grief, as though they died only yesterday. It’s as though I’m haunted. It’s made me depressed and weepy as of late; I’m extra sensitive, so every perceived slight hurts all the more, and my self-esteem is swimming around in the depths of the toilet.

Obviously, I haven’t processed my mom’s death. As I look back over the past year, I realize I’ve dealt with my grief, in many instances, by not dealing with it. By focusing on having a baby, partly to fill the void left by her absence. (Yeah, my head knows that won’t work, but I suspect my gut feels differently. I should point out that I’ve desperately wanted a baby for a long time; it’s just that losing my mom makes my grief over not conceiving even more intense.) By distracting myself with the TV and books. By telling myself that hey, I’m forty years old now, it’s time to grow up and stop yearning for my mommy. The constant migraines, I now think, were in part, my grief coming out sideways.

Oscar Romero once said, “As a Christian, I do not believe in death without Resurrection.” And I do, it’s the hope I cling to. But I can’t bear the thought that I will never again in this life feel my mom’s arms around me, or be able to rest my head on her shoulder. That she’s not there to soothe my hurt feelings when I feel rejected or like a failure at something. That there’s no one left to reminisce with about the things the three of us did as a family together. I want to get past the grief, to get on with my life, to focus on enjoying my wonderful memories of my mom and dad; I just don’t know how to, I guess.

One thought on “i’ll see you in my dreams

  1. kristine says:

    I can’t even imagine what that is like. I am so sorry youhave to go through that.

    Like

I'd love to know what you think, please feel free to comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

afrenchfryeinparis.wordpress.com/

Discovery Tours of Paris by Corey Frye

Lent Madness

You decide who wins the Golden Halo

Living The Seasons

Finding Beauty and Laughter Everywhere

Bane of Your Resistance

A place to share insight and information about the many forms of writer’s resistance (writer’s block, procrastination, distractions, looking for answers in the fridge, keeping yourself too busy to write, etc.) so you can stop resisting and start really enjoying your writing.

Discover

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Sunshine upon my inner garden

Reflections on the joys and struggles of living in this world

l'art et l'amour

what else is there to live for?

Be Inspired..!!

Listen to your inner self..it has all the answers..

DJ Ranch

Where God is Real, Love Abounds, and Life is Lived Out Loud!

this quotable life

wishes...wonders...words

JP the Wide-eyed Wanderer

A little writing, travel, photos and lots of fun with a wandering spoonie

devri velazquez

pretty, sick. chick.

The Godly Chic Diaries

BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH

Whippet Wisdom - a Highland Journey

A journey through the seasons with two adopted whippets, a poet and a camera

Cee-Chris Courses

On becoming extraordinary

Advicebyher

We are here to inform and inspire.

Learn Fun Facts

An Archive of Curious Facts for the Curious

Cee and Chris

On becoming extraordinary

%d bloggers like this: