Life is Grace

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

TRIGGER ALERT

I once, years ago, had a terrible experience with EMDR. It is powerful stuff. I had a therapist who was harsh and pushy and obviously not well-trained in the techniques for using EMDR in therapy.

I don’t remember much of the abuse, or the rape. I was so traumatized that my memories remain fragmented, unprocessed by my brain.

But they are still there.The guilt, the shame, the crummy self-esteem, the grief…

I’ve made huge strides in therapy over the last twenty years. But I cannot really get past the trauma stored in the little gray cells of my mind. Hey, I can’t even deal with losing my beloved mom and dad, and they’ve been gone for 7 and 21 years, respectively. So, I am trying EMDR this summer. My therapist recommended I wait until I am with class for the spring before starting; it can cause nasty PTSD flares, and I don’t want to deal with class and trauma simultaneously.

I am frightened, though. I don’t want to deal with those memories. I’d much rather my brain just pack them away and let me get on with my life. I keep repeating to myself the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” So because I want to live my life fully, instead of cowering in the shadows waiting for the next trigger to spark a flare out of seemingly nowhere, I will face my fears, and do the thing I think I cannot do.

4 thoughts on “A to Z Challenge: E is for EMDR

  1. I hope you can find a way to get through and heal from the trauma in your past. If you haven’t looked into Christian counseling yet I would recommend it. True peace and comfort come from God alone!

    Stopping by from the A to Z 🙂

    Like

  2. If I were near, I’d give you a big, tight hug. Love the Eleanor Roosevelt quote. It’s spot on. Do the things you think you cannot do, and hopefully each day will get a little better.
    My very best,
    Silvia @
    SilviaWrites

    Like

    1. barbaramarincel says:

      Thanks Sylvia! Another quote I like to remember is Chinese, that every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!

      Like

  3. barbaramarincel says:

    Thanks for stopping by! I actually do Xian counseling also–I have a spiritual director, I have a specially trained “Befriender” from our parish whom I spill my guts to every month or so, my therapist has spiritual training, and to top it off, I am a grad student in theology and have done pastoral counseling myself as a chaplain intern. I had the privilege of working with a group of WWII vets with PTSD. Fabulous group of guys.

    Thanks for the reminder of the importance of faith and spirituality in healing. 🙂

    Like

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