fibro frustration

Really, frustration should be listed as one of the symptoms of fibromyalgia. I’m too tired and sore to feel rage, which is what this feeling would morph into if I felt better…although of course my not feeling well is the cause of the frustration, so there you go. Another example of the crazy spirals and cycles this disorder causes. Please excuse me, gentle readers, for giving into the temptation to vent. One of my goals for this blog was to be genuine, which I haven’t been, because I haven’t been honest about my physical or emotional state of health.

I didn’t even write about breaking my foot last October–a break that required two surgeries, thousands of dollars out of pocket, and is still causing me pain. I was stuck in bed for over two months after the break. And all I did was fall in the kitchen! Thanks to the fibro…I have dizzy spells and last summer I actually blacked out a few times. Unfortunately, I was rushing to let the dog in when I fainted this time, and twisted my foot as I fell, which caused a complicated break called a Lisfranc fracture. A fracture which almost always requires surgery. One thing I can say for certain though, is that I have a husband who truly loves me! And a dog who considers it her duty to take care of me whenever I’m sick. Fiona stuck to me like glue the entire eight weeks, while George waited on me hand and foot (excuse the pun).

Nurse Fiona caring for the patient

I finally got back on my feet–both of them–in January, but I had some extremely painful nerve damage in my second toe. Thankfully, that has gone away, perhaps because my anticonvulsant (gabapentin) that I take to control my seizure disorder also helps with neuralgia (a side benefit to seizures I never considered, but actually the same medication helped when I had ongoing pain from the shingles too). The second surgery, which was March 18, was simple, just to take out one of the metal plates from the first surgery, but that too turned out to be unexpectedly painful and to make life even more interesting, I developed a nasty, painful, blistering rash on my upper foot and ankle, on Good Friday no less. Time for antibiotics.

Well, it’s all over but the pain. The pills took care of the rash, my post-op X-rays looked great, my stitches are out. And I should mention that my surgeon was terrific, skilled and kind, as were all of the nurses, anesthesiologists, etc., involved in my care. My surgeon thinks the residual pain in my foot may be due to fibro; I can tell it’s not bone pain, and he did have to move a lot of tissues and nerves around during the surgery to get the plate removed. So fibro makes sense as a cause.
Damned fibro.

I’m also having a nasty, cruel depression relapse (probably partly tied to the fibro and vice versa…don’t you love it) and trouble with anxiety over finances. Major anxiety. I’m looking at filing for relief from my student loans on the basis of total and permanent disability, which makes me cry every time I think about it. And every time I think about the blood and sweat and tears that went into that master’s degree.

Too tired to write anymore. I’ll finish this tomorrow.



Author: Barbara Marincel

My spiritual journey is all about finding the grace in the everyday—and the not so everyday—while living a full and creative life that includes chronic illness, PTSD, and depression. I'm a writer, blogger and photographer, live in lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota and am happily married to George and doggie-mama to Piper. I’m a Benedictine Oblate candidate of St. John’s Abbey in Collegeville, MN. My creative inspirations include nature, good books, Lake Superior, my flower garden, and my faith. More than anything, I cherish spending time with friends and, especially, family.

12 thoughts on “fibro frustration”

  1. I’m sorry to hear you are having a bad day. 😦 Make sure your healed injuries don’t turn into CRP (complex regional pain? Something like that.). My cousin had it after some issues and it involves old injuries. And the crazy thing is it is not talked about very much. So please, take a glance on the web. It makes me furious that doctors don’t tell people that this thing can happen.

    Does exercise help your Fibro? It does a little with mine but it helps after so many weeks of it. But then a broken foot/leg kinda hinders your ability to work out, huh?

    Hmmm the school part is tricky. I also have Lupus and received a bachelors of science. And now I am on disability and am still required to pay back all of my loan. But my loans are private so that might be part of the problem…

    I hope your pain and depression lessen soon for you! Sending gentle hugs your way!


    1. I will check out Complex Regional Pain on the Mayo Clinic website (my doctor-approved go-to website for all ills), and thanks for the tip. In answer to your question, yes, exercise does help, but of course the problem has been my darn foot. Naturally, my exercise of choice is long walks. It not only helps the fibro a bit but it clears the cobwebs out of my head, which matters to me more than anything, and boosts my spirits too, particularly nature walks. I’m lucky to live in Minneapolis which has a tremendous park system, lakes all over the place, and a gorgeous walkway along the Mississippi river as well. I’m still limping but it’s a lovely spring day so I’m planning to give a short walk someplace pretty a try, if only for the mental and emotional benefits.

      I’m sorry about your loans, that totally sucks. Apparently one can have government loans forgiven if one is on disability, but the greedy private lenders get to make their own rules. I’m not on disability because I never earned enough Social Security credits, as I was diagnosed in my mid-twenties…my loans are all from graduate school.

      Do you have Complex Regional Pain Disorder? I will have to pop over to your blog today! Until then, I;m grateful to you for help and especially for your empathy! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You live in Minneapolis?!? I live in Sioux Falls! 🙂 We’re not terribly close but not terribly far away from each other! I imagine Minneapolis has quite a bit to choose from for parks. We are getting there, slowly. LOL

        I don’t mind walking, but my fatigue always wins. 😦 And it gets frustrating at times because I know my dog wants to be out but it always seems like if it’s not one thing wrong me with, it’s another… The sun and nice weather DOES help though compared to the snow and windchill! 🙂

        That sucks about the soc sec credits… The whole thing is so stupid sometimes.

        I do not have CRP (sometimes goes as RSD) but my cousin has it. This particular cousin, sister and I grew up close in age and would spend every weekend at my aunt’s. We are very close, I would call her more of a sister to me. We grew apart as we became older but then our illnesses became more of a pain in trying to live a life. So we bonded again since we both were used to pain. I spent some time with her when she became extremely ill and learned much about the disease. I always keep the disease in the back of my head at all times.

        I am glad I was of some help to you! 🙂 xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I will be praying. Fibromyalgia is so devastating. I was diagnosed in November. It manifests itself so differently in people…my best friend has it, too, and she has different issues than you, than me. But, the one thing we can definitely all relate to is the frustration and all that comes with it. Prayers!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Tammy…I will keep you in my prayers too! I don’t think most people understand just how devastating fibro is…it’s such a relief to find people who understand 🙂


  3. Oh man, I know the pain of fibro and the emotional toll it takes all too well. I wish I could give you one giant (but gentle) hug in person as someone who gets it and can relate. I’m sorry it’s been such a battle – for those of us w/ fibro, it’s never “just ____” whether it be a surgery or a drive to the store. Everything we do, our bodies demand so much more from us than “normal” bodies and it can be difficult to accept at times. Hope things get better with your foot and that the financial stuff gets worked out. Sending love and hugs!!


    1. Oh my gosh, another new friend with fibro! I will accept your virtual hugs and love with huge thanks, and send some of my own in return. You make a great point about how much more complicated life becomes with fibro…I’m blessed to have a husband who understands this, and some extended family and friends too. But it sure is exhausting!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear me that’s a lot if stuff. Pain that continues for a while ends up changing our personalities. Wears us down, decreases us. Go and file for that relief that you need and know that neither your affliction nor your Masters define you completely. You need to fight to not let your pain win and be as compassionate as your Fiona.
    Love to you,


    1. Thanks sweetheart…understanding friends are truly priceless! And you are right, I need to extend some compassion to myself for once. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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