the sad times…

I am feeling horribly fragile today, as I have been on most days these last months. Fibromyalgia pain, worsening back and neck pain from arthritis, migraines, foot pain, and depression, a nasty depression relapse that just goes on and on and on…Are my medications not effective any longer? Are changing hormone levels playing a role? Am I getting worse as I get older? Did breaking my foot so badly throw everything off? Or all of the above?

It’s hard to say. But none of my usual self-care strategies seem to be helping anymore. My gratitude journal, guided meditation, walking, losing myself in a good book…all of my long honored tried-and-true comforts are failing me. I’m also having a tough time reaching out to friends because I don’t know what to say.

And part of this, I know, is the ongoing pain of childlessness. The gaping, supperating wound that never heals. It’s always there, a dull ache that crescendos to a roar at times, like around Father’s Day, which is this coming Sunday.

I don’t quite know what to do with so much pain, both physical and emotional. My husband has been wonderfully, incredibly supportive, I have terrific doctors, but it’s as if my usual coping mechanisms have run dry. So all I can do for the moment is to hold on tight to the love I know heals me. From my family, my husband, my God. And force myself to get out of bed every day, to get dressed, to sit out in the backyard with the sun and the flowers and the dog, and hope that eventually healing grace will start to take hold.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’

Mary Ann Radmacher

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Author: Barbara Marincel

My spiritual journey is all about finding the grace in the everyday—and the not so everyday—while living a full and creative life that includes chronic illness, PTSD, and depression. I'm a writer, blogger and photographer, live in lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota and am happily married to George and doggie-mama to Piper. I’m a Benedictine Oblate candidate of St. John’s Abbey in Collegeville, MN. My creative inspirations include nature, good books, Lake Superior, my flower garden, and my faith. More than anything, I cherish spending time with friends and, especially, family.

20 thoughts on “the sad times…”

  1. Oh Barbara sometimes the road is ugly and steep…I have had my days like most of us. Through it all though, I keep repeating, “I have this day”, one foot in front of the other.” Wishing you quiet moment of peace as you go “step by step” through your days…

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  2. Barbara,

    I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can empathize with you because I have experienced much of what you write about. I tried every remedy known to humankind to get rid of chronic pain. So keep hanging on to hope. For me, acupuncture finally started to help. I will pray that you find peace and relief.

    Kathy Findley

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the empathy Kathy, it is amazing what a difference it makes to know that you understand! I’m glad acupuncture helped you 🙂 My pain specialist at the University of Minnesota Pain Clinic had great hopes that acupuncture would help me, but unfortunately it didn’t. Yoga and walking have provided some relief though, both mental and physical, and I am grateful for your prayers as well. I know I will get through this bad stretch. Thank you!! xoxoxo

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  3. Hello Barbara, your eloquent words really moved me to tears. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, emotionally and physically. I know you are a very kind, and very supportive person. Your notes to me on IG always make me smile 🙂 If you ever feel like a chat, send me a message on IG and I will give you my phone number. We could even Facetime if you have an iPhone !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Caz, you are so sweet!! You always make me smile too, as do your gorgeous photos. I will take you up on your generous offer of a chat sometime very soon, and in the meantime it gives me something to look forward to 🙂 Thanks for your caring words my dear friend xoxoxo

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    1. Thanks Linda dear for your prayers! It helps just knowing that you are praying for me my friend. xoxoxo

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  4. I don’t know your pain and It sounds so hard. I wish ease for you. Copious bucketfuls of ease. I wish a howling raging storm to rise inside of you so that you can mourn the life you did not get. And then I wish you to get out and be with people to change everything that you know and feel completely,
    Love to you Barbara,
    Shalagh

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m sure things will improve soon…summer weather usually helps, for at least I am able to get outside in the sun instead of being stuck inside all day because of the cold and the snow! I appreciate your kindness very much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the positive vibes Marloes! You are such a kind, thoughtful friend. It is so much easier for me to keep hope that this bad spell will soon pass (as I know it will) knowing that I have friends like you! xoxoxo

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