Life is Grace

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

I discovered the most lovely prayer, by the Trappist monk Thomas Merton, that perfectly fits my state of mind (and heart and soul) these days:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

Nor do I really know myself. And the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you, does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost, and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen.

This simple yet enormously profound prayer captures all of my fears, my doubts and uncertainties, and encourages me to prayerfully hand them over to the God who loves me beyond measure, trusting fully that he will never leave me, so I do not need to suffer the sometimes overwhelming, anxiety that I often feel.

January was horrid. A migraine almost every day. A major fibromyalgia relapse. Seasonal Affective Disorder. The constant pain, day after day, exhausts me and leaves me frustrated and depressed, and also keeps me stuck in the house. The only time I left the house was to go to the dentist to deal with a difficult molar–which now needs a root canal. And my birth mother rejected my attempts to repair our estrangement, which makes me feel as though I’m ten years old and my mommy doesn’t love me anymore.

Mostly, I fret that I am drifting aimlessly, just going through the motions of living. Wasting my life. Annie Dillard says that “how we spend our days is how we live our lives” and I shudder at the idea that my life boils to one big headache.

Still, as Merton writes, the desire to please God is sufficient. That, and the knowledge that God is with me, even in the migraines and root canals and hurtful rejections of life.

And Merton is right. For now, at least, understanding that God is holding me is enough, has to be enough.

8 thoughts on “My February Prayer

  1. Adwoa Osei says:

    What a profound prayer! Thank you for sharing.

    Honoring your devotion to life and it’s mysteries 🙏🏽.

    Spirit dances in the Middle, magic happens in the Liminal space.

    First the pain, then the waiting, then the Rising.

    Spirit is always with us. Always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! And I agree that “magic happens in the Liminal space.” xo

      Like

  2. Beautiful post Barbara. I’m sorry for all of the trials that life has brought you. But so thankful that you have God on your side! He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Carolyn dear! And I agree, completely:)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. masonjarsandlightningbugs says:

    Understanding that God is holding you is absolutely enough, Barbara! It’s so frustrating to be sick and unable to do the things you want to do and feeling like life is passing you by. Though what you’re able to do may feel small or insignificant to you, remember that God doesn’t measure things like we do. He sees your whole-hearted devotion to Him and that’s what He desires. You have been facing so many heavy and difficult things—give yourself grace. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make so many good points, Courtney, and I appreciate your empathy too 💕. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. masonjarsandlightningbugs says:

        Forgot to say that I loved the prayer, too! Thank you for sharing it!

        Liked by 1 person

I'd love to know what you think, please feel free to comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Rev. Rebecca Writes

Faith. Books. Disability Awareness

The Petite Press

a lifestyle and home design blog

UndeniablySara

Survive Narcissistic Abuse, fight Chronic Illness, and begin to Heal.

Chronically Naomi

Just a 30 something navigating her way through life with a chronic illness

Sick With Optimism

Exploring Illness, Attitudes, Inspirations and a Personal Journey through AutoImmnune Disease

There Is Always Hope

Educating and Empowering those with Chronic Illness

My Life. My Migraine.

Your local Libra ☼ sharing her journey with chronic migraine.

One Woman's Quest

Passion for writing ignites my soul's momentum

Housewife Hustle

Hello, darling. At Housewife Hustle, there's something for everyone. Discover blogging tips, parenting experiences, body and sex positive posts, style tips for any size, disability and mental health awareness, and product reviews of all kinds. -Jenni

Fighting With Fibro

Living With Purpose

Cara’s Corner

A Mental Health & Lifestyle Blog

Sal’s Innovative Thoughts & Creations!

Poetry | Graphic Design | Paintings | Blogs

Picnic with Ants

My life disABLED with Chronic Ilnnesses, it just IS. Taking one moment at a time.

Reclaiming HOPE

Learning to Thrive, Not Just Survive, With Fibromyalgia

Cut The Chronic

Surviving Fibromyalgia, Bipolar Disorder & Poor Gut Health

afrenchfryeinparis.wordpress.com/

Discovery Tours of Paris by Corey Frye

Lent Madness

You decide who wins the Golden Halo

Living The Seasons

Finding Beauty and Laughter Everywhere

Bane of Your Resistance

A place to share insight and information about the many forms of writer’s resistance (writer’s block, procrastination, distractions, looking for answers in the fridge, keeping yourself too busy to write, etc.) so you can stop resisting and start really enjoying your writing.

%d bloggers like this: