Life is Grace

discoveries of grace in my messy and imperfect, but blessed, life

“I never knew grief felt so much like fear.”–C.S. Lewis Lewis was right on target: grief does feel like fear. The same breathless, sickening sensation of a sharp kick smack in the middle of the gut; the trembly, disoriented, foggy feeling in the brain; the same clenching, harsh pain around the heart. All summer–strangely, ever …

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The Topamax isn’t helping yet, so my doctor has increased my dosage. The pain in my neck, shoulders, and upper back, combined with my daily migraines, is so bad that I’m on vicodin (sp?) every day now. All I do is sit in the house with the shades drawn (the light hurts my eyes), desperately …

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I’m trying to keep busy. Our social life has taken off somewhat (well, compared to before anyway) and recently we’ve been getting together with friends and family more, and even went to a wedding yesterday (congratulations Meg and Joe!!!!!!!). A couple of weeks ago I took a four-day class at The Loft about writing the …

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The dirty little secret about death that no one ever seems to talk about is that the funeral is the easy part. The hardest part is learning to live without the person you loved so much. And by then everyone else has gone on with their busy lives and either don’t care or want to …

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I am a teary, sweaty, fat little ball of grief these days, mostly huddled on the couch watching CNN (or the Twins but sometimes, like most of their recent road trip, that just intensifies the grief) or flipping through magazines Everything reminds me of my mom. which, of course, makes me cry. Every time I …

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The presence of that absence is everywhere–Edna St. Vincent Millay In a few hours it will be exactly three weeks since my mom died. For some reason, I can’t get the memory of reaching over and closing her eyes after she quit breathing out of my head. The last three weeks I have been mostly …

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Mom has been declining rapidly this week and was diagnosed with pneumonia today. She has elected not to treat it with anitbiotics. Her nurse practitioner told me that she will probably die within the week, possibly within the next few days.

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